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Iron Maiden 06/2010 :: The Minivan Team
06.17.2010
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In 1972, a crack-headed commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for alcohol-induced crimes they didn't commit. These men promptly staggered out of a minimum security halfway house to the Phoenix underground. Today, still wanted by the government and drunk women everywhere, they survive as drinkers of fortune. If you have a drinking problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire... The Minivan-Team.
"From left to right: "Faceman", appropriately named for his super-human ability of taking nuts to the face. "Mrs. T", maker of delicious alcoholic beverage mixers and bodyguard to such famous bad boys as Pat Sajak, American Idol winner Rueben Studdard and the guy who played Erkel on Family Matters. Howling Mad "Murcock", Crazier than a drugged up alpaca with Mad Alpaca disease with the inability to walk by a shrub without peeing on it. "Have-a-ball" Smith, uncontolable oral fixation issues with a propensity to rub alcoholic beverage containers on his nut sack. And... "Cooter", the wheel man of the team when he isn't getting his dick rubbed in the Champagne room.
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| The Client: Mini Maiden. Some bastard stole her Hello Kitty purse. That's not so bad, huh? Except for the fact that her parents were having her smuggle all of their concert reefer in to the show assuming security wouldn't dare check a little girl's bag. Our mission: Find the thief, smoke the weed and kick the little girls Mom right in the taco. |
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| "This mission, like all others, begins with the consumption of alcohol standing in a circle around nothing in particular." |
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| Our first suspects: "Have-a-ball" distracts the two possible culprits while "Mrs. T" investigates a suspicious looking container for the missing hooch. |
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| This wasn't going to be easy. All of these people would have to be stripped down and cavity searched. "Faceman" volunteered to rubber glove all of the men while the rest of us took care of the female persuasion. At the time of this writing "Faceman" is still on the job... he is very thorough. |
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| The father and son team of George and Marty McFly, while looking suspicious were allowed to leave after signing over the title to their Delorean. |
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| No weed stealing here, however the crime of charging $12 and $10 for a draft beer is just as heinous. |
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| I was questioning these two characters when suddenly they started speaking in tounges reciting, in order the liner notes from Dio's Holy Diver and then screaming at the top of their lungs "Release the Kraken!" I shit myself and ran away. |
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| Suddenly a glowing pink orb appeared and the crowd went silent. The orb started talking and sounded just like James Earl Jones. At first, it was difficult to understand the orb. It sounded kind of like Darth Vader choking on a chicken bone, and then suddenly, the orb's message was clear.... |
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| "Mrs. T" and "Have-a-ball" were awestruck. (Can't you see the awestruckeness in their faces?) |
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| The McFly family looked on unsurprised as if they knew the orb was coming, perhaps... from the future? |
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| A lone stoner threw up some devil horns and shouted "The Orb Rocks!" |
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| and the entire crowd followed suit. "The orb rocks!" "The orb rocks!" "The orb rocks!" |
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| The orb's message was indeed clear. Love one another. Be true to yourself and when you find yourself standing behind a group getting their picture taken always put up "the shocker". The missing weed was no longer important, there was only one thing to do.... |
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Titties and beer my friends. Titties and beer!
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